My patio!

Just a quick thought fir this morning. My patio has been my favorite spot here for 2 years. Why? I dunno...I love my tree! lol...I love sitting out here, enjoyin my coffee and looking up to see this beautiful tree with it's gorgeous white blossoms. I'm gonna miss my tree. lol

And the dog...the crazy mutt that makes me nuts following me around with his nose up my butt...he's great company on the patio...and of course is just a goofy dog...lol

Reflections

Something about packing and moving has me a really crazy reflective mood. Tonight I was packing up a desk drawer and came across pictures of the kids when they were tiny.....ultrasound pics of both of them...so of course I started thinking about everything and everybody else in my life.

I really didn't think it would be this hard for me to leave this place. I've hated it since we got here. I've hated being so close to "home" and all of my misdeeds as a teenager and a 20something. Being this close...ahh..it just wasn't a good thing in my mind. The saying, "You can never go home" has always been my mantra...because I never wanted to go home.

Sitting here reflecting over who I am, who I have become over the last few years. I don't know who that other person was. I kind of look like her again...which is good, but the rest of her I don't know. At 37 years old, I know I have found "me". I know I'm ok with me. I've prided myself on being a tough loner who didn't need people. Friends, family...whatever...they were disposable.

I have let myself wear so many labels over the years, given by myself and by others...and that was ok. I have changed so much that it's really laughable looking back. I'm not tough. I'm not a loner, and I DO need people. And that's something I have only discovered in the last 3.5 years. So many people have come through my life since we came into the Army, some good, some bad...but they have all affected me in some ways. I've lost friends over stupid stuff, grown distant from people I was close to, grown closer to people I never thought I would. So many people! Cari, Brittany, Beth, Kim, Janie, April, Angela, Jessi, Krystala, Natalie, Sarah, Lura, Amber, Gina, Rebecca, Michelle, Staci, Elizabeth, Alison, Kristin, Stephanie, Leanna, Vanessa, Sabrina (and if I didn't name you it just mean my brain can't count that high these days!)...so so so many more that I can't even name them all...they've all touched me in some way...whether they know it or not. I treasure the ones I still have and regret that the ones who are gone. 

Being this close to home I've been able to reconnect with elementary and high school friends that I never thought to have in my life still. Instead I've gotten to meet Sheryl's sweet baby and party with MK and her husband's "hair band" and catch up with so many more. It has been amazing.

Leaving here has got me on such an emotional roller coaster right now. You forget how much you go through together when you lean on each other through deployments. You laugh, you cry, you hold each other up and do what you can for each other when they need something. I will never sit on a patio with a glass of wine without remembering those nights during deployment with Kim, Alison, Beth, Michelle, Cari, Natalie, Vanessa and Rebecca. SO many crazy nights when we could have been crying alone but instead had the support and laughter of others just like us..

For all the good stuff there has been probably an equal amount of drama. Most of it senseless. Some of it cleansing. I guess all of it has had it's purpose in some way or another. Everybody says you'll make new memories with new people at a new post, but ya know....I don't think anything can compare to the experiences and people I have met here. They've all been amazing in their own ways and I will treasure that forever.

So with 12 days to go before we leave Fort Campbell, KY....can't say I'm in a great emotional place and expect it to only get worse as they days fly by and moving day draws nearer. First instinct is to distance myself and be emotional unavailable...but I would only be robbing myself of the amazing people in my life.

So off to try to get rid of the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes and enjoy the hell out of the next 12 days.

Musings and Rants!

The sun is shining! The day is gorgeous! And I'm in a bad mood with a ton of classwork to do...due today! Yay for procrastinating! Not!

I have decided that I really despise Facebook. You are plugged into everybody's lives, they are plugged into yours. People like each other that you can't stand. People block or get blocked. It's a huge freakin dramafest that is better suited to a bunch of teenagers than adults. I get so annoyed by it! I don't even care that people post stupid status messages. I'm guilty! But it's this huge central mind warp that people apparently forget others can see. I try not to get butthurt because, for real? Why bother. But if you are invited to a party, stop and think before you post your weekend schedule....AFTER you've given me a lame excuse. I mean really? come on! If you know I dislike somebody that you don't know, but run out and "friend" them not long after....HELLO? what are you thinking??

In a nutshell....social networking sites are juvenile, a cesspool of drama and stalkers and they really piss me off. So why am I still on there?

On the good note! I decided to do the 365 days of photo challenge! I'm hoping it will get me more involved in blogging and help me stay motivated! So this morning grilled cheese became a photo! It is the best grilled cheese! Sharp and pepperjack on wheat...nom nom...definteily photo worthy in my opinion since it was such a filling and tasty breakfast!

Bittersweet Day....

Today was an awesome day! I finally got to meet a 4 year "friend" who is a fellow Army wife. After years of phone conversations and FB stalking...her family is moving to Fort Campbell...as we PCS to GA. Doesn't that just figure? It was great to hang out and chat like old friends with her and her beautiful family. It makes me even sadder to leave this hell hole that I have hated for the last 3.5 years. We only have 2 weeks left here....it's not enough time to say goodbye damnit!

On the plus side, everything is falling into place with the PCS. Utilities are scheduled for shut off, U-Haul is rented, packing is pretty much done, hotel reservations made. We are actually on the ball.

The down side....I feel so freakin guilty! Guilty for leaving awesome friends, old and new. I feel guilty that the husband is going into non-deployable status as I watch all of my friends' husbands embark on yet MORE deployments. I almost wish he were deploying. The next two years won't be easy because it sounds like Drill Sgt. time is going to be the equivalent of him being deployed/yet home. Weird. It's hard to even explain everything I am feeling about ALL of this right now.

There's some annoyance in there too, but I can't even go into that on a public blog.

Random thoughts:

I wish I had been able to reconnect/make things right with several people here before we leave.

Really going to miss the awesome support system I have here.

I wish I had had the time to get to know so many people better.

I'm great at making new friends these days but horrible at maintaining friendships and it sucks that it bites me in the ass.

I hate packing.

I need more coffee.

Ahhhhh life is NUTS!

So we have begun the craziness known in the military world as a PCS..."permanent change of station" for those non-military folk!

The husband graduated from Drill Sergeant School on April first and the joke is definitely on us! I have my very own drill sgt! That's all good and great but we hit the floor running with the move as soon as he got home! A week ago it was still sort of unreal (us leaving Fort Campbell)...until we put in our 30 day notice with housing. Today....we are in full swing. The house is full of boxes, we have a final move out day...and I feel like I am losing my mind! Not that there was much left to lose!

Unfortunately things are moving so quickly that I feel like I can't enjoy the last couple of weeks with the friends I have made here. It's kind of sad!  But what do ya do? oh well...as much as I love our life in the military, the next couple of years are going to be challenging. Hopefully school keeps me too busy to think about it!